Best Behavior
Isn’t it funny how when we first start dating someone, even on the first date, we are always on our best behavior? Even something as little as swearing, “oh pardon my language, excuse my language, don’t mind my French!” when you just dropped 10 f-bombs parking your car and commonly use the word “fuck” as a noun, verb and adjective, #fuckit. Why do we do this? Why do we try and cover up our bad behavior when it’s really who we are? And if this person does stick around for long enough he or she will eventually find out that we do actually swear for sport, what will they do then? I mean if we do carry out a relationship with someone, at some point the truth will come to fruition that you have ripped bed sheets with your farts and laugh at your ability to burb the alphabet. But if they can’t handle the real you, they don’t deserve you!
It’s like anything when you’re first dating someone; you’re trying to be on your best behavior, perhaps even acting like someone you’re not. “What do you feel like eating?” In my head, “all of the things”, in actuality, “just a salad and a water!” Like who are we kidding, I would say a good 80 per cent of the dinner dates we walk away from we hit up the convenience store on our way home. The worst is with booze. “Would you like another glass of wine?” Um, yes I would like about a hundred of them but nope, one six-ounce glass of wine is enough for me thanks! I mean I’m not getting wasted on dates…well not anymore, but you know what I’m saying!
At the end of the date we hope to, at least, make at small impression. Small enough to get these people to like us or go home with us or even date us. So what is it that makes it happen? The fact that buddy showed up drunk for your date sealed the deal or she went home with you on the first date? What is the key indicator that you want to pursue more with someone after the first time you meet him or her, because like I said earlier, all will be eventually revealed. Whether its by your swirling group of idiot friends, social media or your family, the all un-knowing will become known.
I think it’s hilarious when you first start dating someone and you have the troubling task of deciphering butterflies of excitement between painful constipation from holding in farts. For the record, everybody farts. That awkward dating moment when you’re lying in bed next to someone and you’ve accidentally woken yourself up from farting and wonder if he or she heard you and then rustle the covers just incase it smells. A good friend of mine had gone over to her boyfriend’s house, however at this point they were still figuring out what they were, she was a little drunk and in her drunken state slid off the side of the couch and as she landed a little toot snuck out. “It just sneaked out!” she told me (I know it’s supposed to be snuck not sneaked but those were her words verbatim). I asked her what she did to alleviate the situation and she said she denied, denied, denied. I was laughing so hard I almost tooted! I love those situations when you’re confronted with the tricky situation of did you or didn’t you take a poop or fart. “Oh babe did you just go number two?”…“OMG k asshole! How could you think I could possibly do that! Shut up you stupid idiot, get out of my face!” When the evidence was clear, you in fact did just go number two. In these situations denial is either your best friend or sworn enemy; it’s a high-risk high reward type situation.
These moments, although some of my most feared, are some of my most loved. As the brilliant Robin Williams once said in ‘Good Will Hunting’, “People call these imperfections, but they’re not. Ah that’s the good stuff.” All jokes aside these moments create laughter and at the end of the day sometimes you just want to be with someone who makes you laugh, even if it’s with farting.
XOXO Witty Kitty