Is The First The Worst?

“In the car I just can’t wait, to pick you up for our very first date.” How fun are first dates!? The nervousness, the excitement, the sweaty hands, the shear crippling anxiety…fun right! What’s your worst first date? I went on a date in the summer during Stampede and I showed up and the guy was blackout drunk at 5:00 p.m. The conversation went like this, “Are you drunk?” “No way!” “Ok, how many beers have you had?” “Oh like maaaaybbbeeeeee four.” I nodded, smiled awkwardly and thought to myself, like four hundred beers pal. I had a choice in that moment; I could have walked away, back down 17th Ave or stay. I stayed, because at the very least, it’s a good story to laugh about. So, I sat down to my drunken, sweaty, slobbering, 6’2 date and his two friends, who randomly showed up at my arrival, and watched the three of them get, impressively, black out drunk as I sipped on my water, which to their knowledge was vodka water. Now I’m not sitting here writing this saying to you, I have never gotten close to black out drunk on a date, because I have, but what I’m saying is that it was on the second date, not the first date. I have a friend who managed to lose a shoe on a first date, just the one. I feel like one day it will be just be kickin’ along down one of the streets in downtown Calgary.

I actually can’t think of funnier moments to talk about than unfortunate, circumstantial dating moments that, in my opinion, give a person a whole lot of character and something to talk about at parties. Some of my favorite stories are from when my girlfriends and I used to wear hair extensions, “ol’ fancy hair” some used to call me. Once a friend of mine had convinced her ex-boyfriend she had long hair for years, when actuality, during that time, her hair was to her chin. To continue the facade and make it seem like she had long hair she would shower with her hair extensions in, sleep with them in, even do the dirty with them in! Hair extensions and sex don’t quite seem to mix well together; be in the middle of hooking up with someone and casually say, “Oh don’t pull my hair too hard!” Hair extensions never stay in your hair when you sleep, unless you sleep without moving. That awkward moment as you’re waking up in the morning checking your head thinking, “ok I had five pieces and only three are attached…look over on the floor, “oh there they are!” See you hair extensions and quickly stuff them into your clutch, along with your dignity and get the hell out of there.

One of my favourite stories is from when a friend of mine had slept with this guy and one of her hair extensions slipped out during their nightly wrestling match, without her noticing. In the morning, as she was stealthily, collecting her things and sneaking out the front door, the gentlemen of the evening said to her, “hey wait, is this yours?” as he reached out to give her a mangled and tangled hair extension that matched her hair colour perfectly. She looked directly at him and muttered, “no” and casually walked out the door.

Oh first dates, actually the first couple dates are when a person is subject to the most embarrassment. I always find the anticipation of the first kiss the worst part. My buddy told me, whether or not the date is good or bad always kiss on the first date. Ok date five and no kiss yet, and then having your girlfriends tell you, “babe, you have to purse your lips more, like, softly whisper, poo, right before he kisses you,” (do it right now just say “poo” viola your lips are pursed); idiots, it does work though. It’s stressful, even for the girl, who lets be honest just has to stand there and say “poo,” while the guy does all the work, but it’s the anticipation, the hype, that’s stressful.

First dates can be the nostalgic beginning moments of when you first fall in love with someone that you look back at and smile, or they can end up in shear tragedy and a full on soul-sucking experience. I guess you can say first dates are high risk, high reward; proceed with caution.

XOXO Witty Kitty